Apr 10 2013
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General Zombie, Survive

Take Three, and An Apology. (The remorse, it buuuurns.)

SO-
It seems like you guys (And me. Again. Sorry.) kind of abandoned the whole “Choose Your Own Adventure” thing. That’s a shame, it was gonna be pretty wicked. Some of you were going to be figuring out how to keep alive in the Zombie Apocalypse from the loving arms of the state prison system! Which I think would’ve been mega interesting. Regardless, it’s been an unprecedented period of inactivity, and for that I apologize. My bad, you guys. Seriously.

Tabling the novelization approach, I’ve decided to go back to basics. CYOA was impractical, abstract and not really an idea that lends itself to our end goal: Preparation. Over the next several weeks, Sex Machete is going to be shifting its focus onto weaponry in a big way. I’ll be highlighting specific weapons as well as classes of weapons, sorting them by usefulness using a simplified ratings scale and breaking down their pros, cons, and specific uses (the Oxford Comma is a weapon one uses for times when being pretentious is necessary).

I won’t be so bold this time. I hate to say it, but I’m a busy lady. With both jobs, school, a move on the horizon, let’s face it- I know I’m going to survive. Your survival isn’t exactly my top priority. I’ll update and post regularly, but to get me on a schedule is what leads me into disaster. I miss one deadline, I get sad, we end up with these lengthy lulls. That’s why I need to know you guys are reading this, need to know this is as important to you as it is to me. Or as entertaining. If you don’t respond, I forget to write and the cycle continues. This project is really something that’s close to me and something I want to become bigger than myself. People say zombies are a fad, zombies and waning, whatever. I don’t do this because it’s trendy. (Not to hipster out, but I was doing this before it was trendy anyhow… so bite me. Pun intended.) I do this because I think it’s important (because I’m crazy?). I do this because I think it can translate to other things. Summer’s coming up and weather-permitting, I’d like to start getting into the nitty-gritty from a combat/exercise routine standpoint. That was originally to be the main focus of the site. It still is… I just want to get you guys prepped for that first.

So, there it is. All out on the table for you. Are you in this? Can you check in with the site regularly, follow my Twitter updates, help me if I ask you for prompts, comment on articles and let me know what you’re thinking?

I’m not doing this for myself, Machettes. I will survive.

Will you?

Jul 27 2012
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CYOA, Survive

Choose Your Own Adventure

SUPERCOMPUTER AAAAAAAH!

There will be no cameo from SUPERCOMPUTER. Sorry to get your hopes up.

As I mentioned on Twitter with yesterday’s post, this new class doesn’t work optimally without everyone raising their hands.

I’ve placed a scenario before you, now it’s your turn to tell me how you will proceed. Put yourself in the situation at hand and act as you would. I’ll be walking you through my plan step by step as the weeks go on. In addition to my personal plans for this outbreak scenario, I’ll also be pulling from yours. How would you fare in the outbreak at hand? How knowledgeable are you in the face of death? How calm? How adaptable?

Comment on the previous post with your first move. You can also email your plan to me at ze.is@me.com. I’ll aggregate similar moves into subsets for discussion purposes.

The more plans I receive, the more complete the scenario will become. The more options available, more adaptations required, everyone’s chances of survival will increase because we’ll have as many conceivable angles covered.

You have 7 days to figure out where you go from here. At the end of that 7 days, I’ll pick up where I’ve left off in my plan, and let you know where you are in yours.

Make your fate, Machettes.

Prepare. Fight.

… Survive? That last one remains to be seen.

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Jul 26 2012
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CYOA, General Zombie, Survive

Wherein We Lay Our Scene.

It’s summer in the Northeast. Hot. Unbearably humid. Steam and heat radiates off the asphalt on the streets. The agitation builds beneath the surface. The ability to control it is waning. Heat breeds violence, it’s evident on the faces of all- Rage. However, Tybalt and Romeo will not fight this day; for you have found solace at a public pool.

You dip your head below the surface… Coming up for air, you take a deep, long breath. Steadying yourself. Cooling your formerly savage and roiling nerves. Children scream and splash, the sun is high and bright… but it seems everyone here is at peace. Taking in the happy scene gives you solace, until you take particular notice of an individual making their way toward the water.

He is young- mid-20’s. Like many of the others around the pool, he wears no shoes. Unlike the rest, his feet are battered; torn and bloodied. He staggers in the heat, though he does not sweat. His skin is sallow, dull and dry, his eyes sunken. His mouth hangs open. Faintly beneath the cacophony of children, you can make out a low, persistent moan.

You know it’s begun.

Only you.

Scrambling out of the pool, you think of the only three words that will matter for the foreseeable future: Prepare. Fight. Survive.

How will you fight? Who will be beside you? Can you ever be ready?

Let’s find out.

Sharpen your blades.

(I’m back bitches, sorry to abandon you. Let’s get interactive.)

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Mar 23 2012
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(OUT)BREAKING NEWS, General Zombie, Survive

(OUT)BREAKING NEWS: Ugandan Child Zombies?

A curious and horrible disease is sweeping across certain areas of Uganda. Known as the “nodding disease,” it seems to affect only children. After waves of horrible seizures, the recovering child will simply wander away if not watched closely. Local parents have taken to restraining their children when they leave the house, tying them up with fabrics. Some children have been known to gnaw through their restraints for freedom, others have set fire to buildings in their towns.

The article linked above tells that in certain areas, there is not a single household with an un-afflicted child. The disease affects children ages 1-19 (with its worst affects hitting children 3-11). The seizures almost seem to hollow out the afflicted; after recovering, they have lost some part of themselves along with some mental capacity.

This is a terrible condition that also brings about some interesting questions: Could this in fact lead to the first zombie outbreak?

As the condition is as of yet incurable, suppose the wandering is the work of a sort of hive mind mentality taking over the children; they try to go off and gather together, but never quite can. Some already commit violent acts, others simply sit and stare, but this could be the beginning. As a zombie apocalypse goes, the conditions are almost ideal for survivors. A “Children’s Crusade” as the first wave in a zombie apocalypse makes is mega manageable in the following ways.

  • No children in a zombie plan anyway. That’s silly.
  • No adjustments will need to be made to fortifications. You’re just keeping smaller people out.
  • While it’s only a matter of time before the disease mutates and infects people over the age of 20, you’ll already BE in the zombie apocalypse. So you’ll be ready and have had  a sort of “trial run.”

It’s very important that if this were to spread, you don’t listen to the news media when they tell you it’s nothing to worry about. This is exactly what we should be worrying about.

While I’ve never entertained the thought of a child-only zombie outbreak, it does bring up some very interesting possibilities.

Would any of you be interested in exploring this possibility further for the sake of preparedness? Let me know in comments, or on my twitter. Till next time, Sex Machettes.

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Feb 02 2012
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Survive

Grrrrrr, Argh.

A Zombie FAQ

Let’s start with the hard-hitter, shall we?

What is a Zombie??

Zombies -it needs to be said immediately- are shambling (slow, uncoordinated), groaning mindless hosts. Hosts of what, we can’t be sure. The only thing we know about the zombie threat as it is being realistically discussed is that the zombie hordes will exist for one reason and one reason only: Propagation of the parasite/virus/nanovirus/necromancy that hollowed out the human that once was.

Continue reading →

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Jan 15 2012
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Survive, Survivor Selection

Survivor Selection Wrap-Up

Machettes,

At this point, we have all learned enough valuable information to get started with our preparations when Patient Zero finally arrives. All of you should have in your heads who you’re appointing to do what jobs. That means it’s time to recruit. There’s no amount of preparedness that will make you too prepared. You need to know now that the people around you are ready, willing and able to do what is necessary to get your group to their endgame: Survival. If the friend you approach for a job isn’t really feeling it, find another. Now is the time to find those you can count on. There’s no better time to act than as soon as possible. Briefly, on the topic of the final tenets, those are not positions that needbe designated to certain people. Keeping everyone entertained and properly covered from the elements is everyone’s responsibility.
Go. Do. Learn. Teach.

In the coming articles, we’re going to discuss a few abstract concepts. Most important will be the type of zombie attack I am preparing you for. We’ll use a few examples from pop culture and discuss whether or not that constitutes a zombie in the parameters and functions of this website. We’re about ready to get into the meat of things.
I’m excited. Are you?

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Jan 01 2012
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Survive, Survivor Selection

Fight Knight

It’s fairly obvious that everyone involved (at least on a tertiary level) is going to need and want some sort of fight training. No one is going to be going into this situation saying, “Eh, I’ll just wing it. I’m sure everything’s gonna be fine.” By definition of “apocalypse”, it’s pretty safe to say that nothing can be described using the word “fine” or any similar phrasing.

Safety & Knowledge

The champions of this cause, your heavy-hitters, your trained and skilled fighters are going to be playing the role of educator and organizer. Fight Knights (this is a non-negotiable two person minimum role) are going to set up patrols around the perimeter of the camp constantly, they will appoint people to keep watch on a rotation and a few key players to help them out in leading patrols. A Fight Knight or their appointed emissary will be involved in each and every patrol, hence the need to employ such helpers. These leaders will also be in charge of group training sessions within the camp. As I have mentioned over and over at this point, if all goes properly in your plans, you may not even see zombies most days; this does not mean your skills shouldn’t be completely honed for when the day comes where you must fight.
Everyone must be ready and educated and this is your responsibility. Setting up drills, emergency evacuation maneuvers, and hammering into the minds of all of your colleagues what they must do to survive. You are the drill sergeant and tactical educator for the masses, simplifying strategies developed with the leaders and distilling them for everyone’s consumption and understanding.

The People

This is another position that’s obviously going to require pre-outbreak training. The 2-3 people chosen for this job are going to need to be tacticians, machete experts and able to train some key members of your group in firearms usage. I’ve said before that guns are not The Way, but they do serve very clear purposes. They’re going to need to be brave, and strong in both mind and body.
Much like your leaders, these are the people who understand the reality of a zombie threat and possibility of an outbreak, not the friends you’ve convinced to learn to farm and purify water by saying that “anything could happen” or pretending you’re some 2012 nutjob. Fight Knights understand that the zombies are real, they are coming, and they’re going to be ready when they get there.These are the people who are going to inform leadership about things like what supplies one should have handy before the outbreak hits; the caliber of weapons you should need and how many, ammo stores, machete/gun maintenance, the whole nine.
What you’ll be looking for in your circles of friends are those that don’t need an second of convincing. A Fight Knight recruiting conversation should go as follows: “So, are you ready to start preparing for when the zombies come?” “I thought you’d never ask.” These people are detail-oriented, reasonable fighters in their own right (once preparations start, skills increase), willing to become the best and willing to transform others into the best fighters they can be.

So start looking, everyone. Our next article will be a wrap-up. The final tenets (clothing and entertainment) aren’t things that require designated people and will be talked about therein.
The world’s not going to end on December 21st, but the zombies could come any day. To a new year marked with preparedness, Sex Machettes.

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Dec 11 2011
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Survive, Survivor Selection

Backbone

Food, water and shelter. When you strip life down to the absolute basics, these are the three things that everyone can’t argue with; the essentials. This is a pretty cut-and-dry area, this article is going to reflect that.

Food/Water/Shelter

These three things are grouped together because they are all going to take place in-compound only. Each topic in itself is pretty self-explanatory. What it will mean for the person/persons in this position is basically going to boil down to training.
Everyone you choose for your plan is going to have preparations made before hand (that is the purpose of this site, after all…); you’ll all have non-perishables stored away and ready to transport to the pre-designated secure place. However, these resources are finite. Bottled water and canned goods can only last you so long. A zombie incident is a hugely uncertain thing. There’s no telling how long the band’s going to be together. The “long haul” eventuality needs to be planned for. I’m going to speak about the importance of courtyards when we start learning how to scope possible locations, all that needs to be said now is that having a small area for a vegetable garden is going to be crucial.
In addition to growing and preparing the food, those designated to this position will also be in charge of water purification once other sources are exhausted. That’s… about all there is to say on the subject of water. It’s important, you’ll need it, etc.
Finally, there’s shelter. This kind of bleeds into ways to keep sanity. Doing what you can to help the compound feel as “normal” as it can (hey, if hippies can do it!), making it feel “welcoming”. Doing the little things to regulate non-fighting life: the boring stuff (chore charts, etc) and some fun activity stuff (organizing a night to “decorate” the space… everyone likes spray paint). A way to keep a sense of normalcy and regularity to help people kind of decompress.

The Person (Or Persons)

Again, this could be a one person job, but if you’re going to run with a large group, the amount of food, water and preparations is going to grow. The most important thing to look for when you’re scouting for people to do these jobs are those people who love information. This is integral to the position because these are not skills you can afford to just pick up in the field; these people are going to need to be practiced and prepared just like the fighters will be. Ideally, you’ll be able to convince at least one of them (again, assuming multiples) to not only have seed packs ready, but actually be growing small crops of root vegetables that will be easily transplantable into what will be the group’s garden, providing a base before food shortage even becomes a problem.
The best part about this position is that it’s ideal for those who may be ill-equipped for hand-to-hand combat. People who aren’t confident to come up against the zombie threat and get through it. If Safety is manning their posts appropriately, these people will never have to see so much as a single rotting finger.

Next time we’ll be touching on tenets of knowledge and safety.
Same Sexy Time, Same Machete Channel.

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Dec 06 2011
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Survive, Survivor Selection

Leadership

Now it’s time to start really dissecting the things each person will be required to do. Today, I’ll be outlining the leadership role as well as the type of person you should seek to fill it.

Purpose and Guidance

These are the two principles that will define the role of a leader in any good zombie plan. Giving purpose to those around you is going to be the easy part: Your purpose is to survive. Plain and simple. It’s going to be crucial to remind everyone on regular basis that their jobs are just as important as everyone else’s for survival. Whether they’re patrolling the perimeter or purifying the water supply.
The more difficult role the leader should assume is the role of counselor. Life on lockdown is emotionally draining. People are going to feel like they’re cracking. In the face of a threat that’s killing countless people a day and turning those victims against the living… it’s all going to seem daunting. Hopeless. You’re going to feel like this at points yourself, but it’s your job to remain resolute; standing strong on Purpose. You will preach survival at every turn. You will be insistently optimistic in these discussions with your fellow survivors, but at the same time you must not be afraid to speak of the very real threat of failure, especially if a large scale encounter with the undead seems inevitable. Oh, that seems contradictory? Deal with it. You’re going to do what you need to and that’s going to include misleading the people who trust you implicitly.
In addition to this, it’s fairly obvious that the leader is going to be the decision maker. They’re going to be helping every other role coordinate their efforts- working to hatch emergency escape plans if they’re needed, looking at supply levels and determining what to do when supplies get low, etc.- having their hands in every aspect of the survival machine to make sure everything is functioning to the best of its ability.

The Person (Or Persons)

Continue reading →

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Dec 05 2011
4 Comments
Survive, Survivor Selection

Part One: Survivor Selection

Before we can set out in casting the roles of our merry band of survivors, it’s important to outline exactly what roles will be necessary and what the people put in those roles will have to do. Let’s get straight to it, shall we?

There’s going to be an assumption that many of you may make as readers: “This is my plan. I am in charge.” I’m going to kumbayah that notion right out of you. While assuming the leadership role is definitely one of the hardest, it is by no means the most important. Survival (like those human bodies we’re trying to keep from being mindless, rotting meatbags) is a fucking machine. There are many moving parts… all of these parts moving together is what is going to keep all of you going; one person alone cannot be responsible for everything. So if you’ve got a god complex, knock it the fuck down right now. Know that by attempting to assume complete control, the only decision you’ll have made is that you and your friends will never see through this.

Now that I’ve given you that pep talk, it’s time to actually get into it. On a broad level, take a minute to think about the things that make everyday life possible. The things that keep you healthy and sane, make a short mental list of the essentials. The top things that usually spring to my mind are:

•Purpose
•Guidance
•Food
•Shelter
•Water
•Knowledge
•Clothing
•Safety
•Entertainment

Your personal beliefs and priorities may not necessarily align with mine, but I feel the tenets are solid springboards. As with everything I’ll be teaching you, I encourage adjustments to suit your survival needs.

These tenets are the basis for defining roles within the group. Throughout the next several posts, I’ll be breaking down each role and the types of people you’ll be seeking out to fill said roles. It’s my hope that clearly defining these positions will allow you to take a preliminary look at the people you know and where they might fit in. We’ll take a deeper look into it once each job description has been properly explained.

Hop to it, Sex Machettes!
(That’s what I’m calling you. I don’t care if you’re a boy or whatever.)

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